It's times like these, where I just lie wide awake, that I really get to thinkin'.

I've never really been partial to either gender. I see girls and guys together, guys and guys, girls and girls, who really love each other and I think to myself, that's what I want. It really makes me happy to see two people who love each other...Love each other. I think it's wonderful. But lately, I've been drawn to girls and girls instead of anything otherwise. I know that's okay with my mother but not with my father, but that's not what I'm worried about. Hell, I don't even know what I'm worried about. It's just confusing and I don't want people to know.

Ironic I'm writing to the Internet about this.

Well, the world isn't getting any more tolerant, so if I really am gay, then what will I have to face? I can't imagine the world being tolerant of each other--that's it, tolerant. You don't have to support what they do, you just have to deal. You have to cope with it, go on living knowing someone out there isn't like you. I'm not asking you to understand, just accept.

I have no idea where I'm going with this, sorry. Wasting time. Sayin' what's on my mind.

My Language Arts sub is a fucking hippie. (Rant)

Okay, so, my regular Language Arts (Communication Arts, wtf ever) teacher's house kinda went up in flames so natuarally she's not at school right now, for obvious reasons. But thats not what I'm going to talk about. I'm talking about how my sub is a motherfucking hippie.
She's pretty old and has rly long white hair, which is actually pretty creepy. So our assignment for the week was to read an essay/speech thing by a woman named Barbara Jordan about race relations and what we can do to improve them. So we read it and she asks opinions on whether or not this essay "inspired us to change our thinking about race relations." It was a question in the book, so I can't blame her for asking it, but I can blame her for being an idiot about it. She tells us that she's not going to lecture us on our opinions and that she just wants to know because it's on our agenda. No-one's speaking, so I raise my hand and tell her about how it doesn't really inspire me to do anything because I've heard the same argument before and it never is effective.
So, wow, I wonder what she did. She lectured me on it, basically telling me how I was stupid for thinking that way and that naturally, I should be worried about racisim because it's a serious issue and maybe I just don't care because it doesn't directly affect me.
And how the fuck do you know?
Isn't that racisim right there, assuming that because I'm white I don't get racially discriminated? Oops! Well, shows what you know. I have, in fact, been racially discriminated against (because since they're minorities, it's okay!), and that's one of the reasons why we left Florida. So, I'm sitting there in disbelief while she goes and just about forces others to tell their opinions.
Haet. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaet.
Just like the freaking Avenue Q song, everyone is indeed racist and everyone indeed makes judgements, big or small, based upon my race. Of course, who the fuck could tell her? She was currently God. So I had to wallow in utter despise for the rest of the hour while, everytime I raised my hand, I'd just get shot down again. Fucking hell.

For the record, I really think that this Barbara Jordan had very good ideas. I just think no-one wants to do them. I don't think the racial problems will ever get better because not enough people care. Hell, black people call each other by the "N" word and I just heard some students of Hispanic origins call each other "beaner." Yes, our youth REALLY cares about this. SO MUCH. SO MUCH, in fact, that they are even trying to switch the meaning of various racial slurs! Anyone who's not their race can't say it though, because that's racist. SOMEONE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME BECAUSE I OBVIOUSLY AM NOT GETTING IT.
One more thing:
I hate the term "African-American."
This "polite" term is making two extremely dumbass assumptions: That that person is of African descent and that that person is American.
As if black people can't come from anywhere else. NO, DAMN IT, BLACK SKIN = AFRICAN. Fucker.
As if black people can't reside in anywhere else besides America. I don't have to get any further into this, I'm sure.

I Haven't Written in a Long Time, Lulz

My old colours were hurting my head, lulz. What an eyesore, I'm sorry. Anyway, I haven't been here in evaaaar! Stuff has happend, things have been said, I've forgotten how to spell "happend," oh, the things. How they consume me.

School's actually been okay. We're writing a musical in Music Theatre (the course is really called American Music Theatre but she insists on Music Theatre because it's not only American musicals; however, she still uses the acronym AMT) and finally singing in Choir/Chorus/whatever. Things have been surprisingly normal considering I choked a girl. Thomas was right, however, and people expect me to do it again (even though I promise I won't). But still, it was worse the first few days and then they accepted me again. Especially since they learned that girl is really fucking annoying. Actually, they're sorta my friends, which is cool. I have three really good friends, two of which are into the gangsta scene. No-one from there has ever been so congenial with me before, so it's pretty weird. I've gotten used to it though, but they're not quite used to my weird sense of humour (I almost said bananas, lulz). They tell me I'm weird a lot but never tell me to go away or shut up or anything, so I'm in the clear. They're John and Samanthia (the 'i' is included), by the way. The other is Danielle who I call Michelle on a daily basis (I called her Michelley once) because they sound the same and she looks like the Michelle from Florida. She's weird like me and she's already letting me high-five her and stuff, which is a breakthrough (lulz). So it's okay.

Since you might wonder about that there musical I mentioned, I think it might be one of my most successful stories, especially since we're so focused on it. I named it The Oddities and I am rly sensitive about it. It's about superchildren, basically, except they're around my age. 14 is the oldest. Funny story, it wasn't going to be about superpeople. It was going to be about weird people, like me, who gathered together and made a group called the Oddities and stuck together through bullies. I wanted a musical for people like me; the ones who matured early. But when I named the main character Claire and needed a last name, I could only think of Voyance--clairvoyance, you know--so she became Claire Voyance, a girl who could see ghosts. I decided to keep the pun-names and made Lucille (Lucy) Ferin, luciferin, the chemical (I guess, can't really remember the definition) in organisims such as fireflies that causes them to glow. She makes light/energy (as if you couldn't guess) from her hands. Then, just today, I made Bruce Farce. Since that one's tougher to get, brute force. He's strong. He's also the youngest, so he has to be pushed around! Yay! Okay, not really, but whatever. Lucy gets pushed around more 'coz she tolerates it. But since I couldn't find a suitable name-pun for the enemy of Claire, who was once her best friend and co-creator of the Oddities, I was just going to find a name and the last name will serve as the pun. However, it's gonna be the Latin/French/Greek/Whatever root of the word. Since I can only think of one example, I'll use it: Gay came from the Middle French word gai. WOW I WONDER WHAT THAT MEANT! But anyway. I'm really stuck on giving her a g-name, though, so it might take me a bit to find a suitable one. Hold on, I'll do it right now.

Okay, I'm stuck. Gina or Glykeria. I think the name Glykeria would be more a source for her anger, 'coz you'd think she'd be teased with such an eccentric name. Gina, however, sounds more like a name you'd hear all the time, so people would be familiar with it. I dunno. I'm leaning more towards Glykeria, because I never was normal. As for the name, I think I'd want her to have a power somewhat like Lucille's, so I guess I'll find the Latin term for light or energy...Energeia sounds okay, but I think a shorter term would fit better with such a long name. Energia? Glykeria Energia. Glykeria Energeia. One letter difference, wow. I think I'll go with the second, 'coz I'm eccentric. Yay! Fourth character! Glykeria! What the fuck kinda name is that? God knows. God knows.

And then we have the ensemble, of course, so I think I'm good. Anyway, I haven't figured out the whold plotline yet. I know I want to cover the creation of the Oddities, but in a flashback; and I know I want to have Claire and Glykeria fight. I don't know how to lead up to that and I don't know how to end it. That's as far as I got. Damn. I suck at this...It's due on Monday, too...

But anyway, not much else is going on so I'll just be a-goin' now.

So adding on from last time's post, I've been trying to get into some of these dumb bands she's talking about nonstop, Dir en Grey and Miyavi. I really don't want to, but this girl is my best friend and I've gone over it last time so you know. So I listen to all this dumb shit and I listen to her drool over Miyavi and this guy named Kyo from Dir en Grey. I can't even remember anything about the damned bands, so don't ask me to explain. All I know is she's afraid of Diru's (Dir en Grey, that's what she calls them and it's just easier to type so that's what I'll call them now) music videos because they're so freaky and blah blah blah. But she doesn't stop, oh no, since this Kyo guy (who's not even that attractive in my taste) is soooo hot she has to sit through these and traumatize herself...And drool rivers over them.

Imagine how enjoyable this is to me; oh, whoopee, I get to listen to her talk about the two things I hate. But she won't let me talk about anything else, because the only response I get is "k.." and then she'll show me a picture I don't want to see and then we must discuss it before she finds something else utterly hilarious that I really don't find funny and so she tells me it is too, then we get to talk about Kyo and Miyavi's hotness some more. I've told her I don't wanna talk about it, but since this is her current fad, she doesn't care and chatters on while I try my best to keep her happy and listen to this drivel. I can't stand it. I love this girl, she's my sister, but I can't even talk to her without making up some excuse that I have to go somewhere when I'm actually watching anime or reading my novels that she doesn't give a shit about (so I don't talk to her about it. Wonder if she can learn to do the same).

Today we had an argument that goes the same as it usually does, with the same point (I am sick of this talk, why can't you let me talk about something that I can stand?) and she says exactly what I've been telling her: everything I wanna talk about she doesn't. But everything she wants to talk about I don't. But for some reason I have to suffer through it and she can say "k idc so anyway..." and go on about her business. Then she gets all worried--"worried"--when I just stop answering because I can't think of anything to say. Usually its something like "u ther?", "What?", "nothin..." What the fuck. What the fuck!? This is driving me insane.

Before I tell you this next story, I should probably add right now that I hate it when she speaks broken Japanese to me (calls me baka, etc.) so I told her about it and she nicely stopped. But this one day, I let one word slip out..."Oy." That's right, "oy." She doesn't know what it means so I tell her to look it up at Dictionary.com. So she does and copypastes the definition into messenger. I say, "Oh, Yiddish. I was gonna say Hebrew." And we go on about our business. So today, during our argument, she says (and I quote, spelling errors and all) "ans ur saying stuff in yiddish... and you yell at me for saying stuff in japanese... i dont yellat you for talking in yeddish and shit." Oh, my God. I let one (common) expression in a seperate language out and you go apeshit. I love you too. And the part where she says "I don't yell at you for speaking Yiddish and shit?" Oh, yes she has. I hate it when she has to be the innocent one. This is going out of control and I'm sure we could MAKE it work if she'd make an effort to.

And for the sake of trying to get some advice and help, here's the argument because I'm sure I've done some assholish things I've left out.

Molly Moe says:
I FINALLY REMEMBER WHY I HATE JROCK GUYS!
Molly Moe says:
Yeah!
meghan says:
why>
meghan says:
?

Molly Moe says:
It's because of those lonely, dumbassed whores on /rcm/!
meghan says:
*
meghan says:
rcm? .... is whom
Molly Moe says:
Who never shut up about the damn traps and worship them like gods!
Molly Moe says:
(/rcm/ is the Real Cute Male board)
Molly Moe says:
And then they bitch at you if you DON'T post them!
Molly Moe says:
And talk like idiotic valley girls!
meghan says:
brb ...
meghan says:
i have to get my brother..
Molly Moe says:
And try to make themselves sound sexy even though they're greasy, slobbery, fat whores!
Molly Moe says:
I cannot describe to you HOW MUCH I HATE those idiots.
Molly Moe says:
Those damn JRock fangirls need to choke on that Ho-Ho they're eating and die.
Molly Moe says:
Drooling over guys like that...It disgusts me.
Molly Moe says:
Especially when they're doing it to anime guys.
Molly Moe says:
I hate girls like that.
Molly Moe says:
And before you get all depressed or angry remember you are an exception.
meghan says:
I return..
Molly Moe says:
Even though you're nearly as bad as them...I can live with it because you're basically my sister...
Molly Moe says:
Go back and read all that.
meghan says:
...
Molly Moe says:
I wanna be heard.
meghan says:
yea but Miyavi and kyo and Kaoru are not fat and greasy...
Molly Moe says:
Wasn't TALKING about them.
Molly Moe says:
I was TALKING about the girls who drool over them.
meghan says:
yea then how am i as bad as them..
Molly Moe says:
That's why you start from the beginning, grasshopper...
meghan says:
"Even though you're nearly as bad as them..."
Molly Moe says:
Because you talk nonstop about them.
Molly Moe says:
It annoys me, to be honest.
meghan says:
oh.
Molly Moe says:
Honestly, you know they're probably actually spoiled brats.
meghan says:
Miyavi and kyo?
Molly Moe says:
Anybody!
meghan says:
No really every one famous are fucking pampered like theres no tomorrow
Molly Moe says:
People lie to the presses and put on a false act.
Molly Moe says:
So don't believe every interview you read or see.
meghan says:
i know that much..
Molly Moe says:
It's kinda like the...
Molly Moe says:
The...
Molly Moe says:
Uh...Hold on, it's hard to remember.
Molly Moe says:
The abscence of evidence is not the evidence of abscence?
Molly Moe says:
Absent...Absence...
Molly Moe says:
God...
Molly Moe says:
Fucking tongue-twisters...
meghan says:
i have no idea who they are...
Molly Moe says:
Uh.
Molly Moe says:
Wait say that again?
Molly Moe says:
Who are you talking about?
Molly Moe says:
Oh Lord you're shitting me.
Molly Moe says:
You can't be seriously telling me you don't understand that saying. The absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence.
Molly Moe says:
THERE WE GO I FINALLY SPELLED IT RIGHT! HEE HEE!
Molly Moe says:
Anyway. I'm saying don't believe everything just because they say it.
Molly Moe says:
You're tuning me out again, aren't you.
meghan says:
yay...... your confusing my mind now.
Molly Moe says:
You're.
meghan says:
no im not..
Molly Moe says:
I'M SAYING JUST BECAUSE THEY ACT NICE DOESN'T MEAN THEY'RE REALLY NICE.
meghan says:
OK WONDERFULL
Molly Moe says:
I'm saying it's stupid to worship these people.
meghan says:
I KNOW KYOS A BASTARD
meghan says:
AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MIYAVI IS
meghan says:
from what i herd , kyo likes to keep to himself .
Molly Moe says:
'Coz he's lied to the press more than t.A.T.u.?
meghan says:
and from what i herd miyavi is nice
Molly Moe says:
Can't believe everything you hear. I say don't think he's nice until you've actually spoke with him for more than 20 seconds.
meghan says:
iv been waiting for miyavi too come to america ... i dont care if i have to pay i wanna talk to him and ill prove that you are wong/ and or right
Molly Moe says:
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.
meghan says:
and im waiting for the prices to go up for backstage passes for dir en grey.
Molly Moe says:
I doubt they let rabid fans talk to stars.
Molly Moe says:
Tellin' ya, it's gonna be a big disappointment...
Molly Moe says:
People put on acts for strangers.
Molly Moe says:
Unless you've known him for more than a day, then you can't actually be sure, can you?
meghan says:
god. just shut up please , this is getting annoying....
Molly Moe says:
One should talk.
meghan says:
whats this the 5th time iv listined to this same talk...
 
  Sending of "Chieko Kawabe - Be your girl.mp3" to meghan has failed.
 
Molly Moe says:
*cough*sarcasm*cough*
Molly Moe says:
It's not the same, it changes a bit every time. =D
meghan says:
but it has the same point
meghan says:
so its pretty much the same thing
Molly Moe says:
Really, I just can't stand it. All we talk about is Diru and Miyavi and it's making my mind implode.
Molly Moe says:
I have no idea who these people are and yet you keep talking about it.
Molly Moe says:
So I try to talk about something else but you just say "k" and BAM! I get more Diru and Miyavi.
Molly Moe says:
Okay, fine, don't talk.
Molly Moe says:
You know, I've tried to actually change so we can remain friends and now it's just pointless.
meghan says:
wonderfull...
meghan says:
cuz theres nothing to talk about and when you talk about stuff i have no idea who those people are eithter
Molly Moe says:
So it makes it okay for you, huh!?
Molly Moe says:
At least I fucking make an effort to understand.
meghan says:
so do i  , but dude your talking about stuff iv never herd of in my lest disaire.
Molly Moe says:
Lest disaire?
Molly Moe says:
Last desire?
Molly Moe says:
Lest desire?
meghan says:
ans ur saying stuff in yiddish... and you yell at me for saying stuff in japanese... i dont yellat you for talking in yeddish and shit.
meghan says:
Lest Desire.
Molly Moe says:
OH MY GOD, IT'S A COMMON EXPRESSION.
Molly Moe says:
Lest Desire, I don't know what you mean.
meghan says:
your talking about stuff iv never herd of and i never had any desire to ever even like that kind of stuff i have no desire no know about that stuff , iv never herd of it..
Molly Moe says:
And I haven't a desire to hear about Diru OR Miyavi!
Molly Moe says:
So why can't I tell you to shut up but you can?
meghan says:
i never said you coudnt , cuz you know you never have
Molly Moe says:
I've never heard of Diru OR Miyavi until you started talking about it and I don't want to hear about them and you know I don't want to hear about them but you don't stop talking about them now do you?
Molly Moe says:
WHAT AM I DOING RIGHT NOW?
Molly Moe says:
I AM TELLING YOU TO SHUT UP ABOUT IT AND ALL YOU'VE DONE IS GET PISSY AND REMIND ME OF ALL MY GOD DAMNED FLAWS!
Molly Moe says:
HOW SWEET OF YOU, PRINCESS OF EVERYTHING!
Molly Moe says:
THAT'S THE LAST THING I WANT TO FUCKING HEAR FROM YOU.
Molly Moe says:
Okay, fine, I'm logging out. It's impossible to talk to you when I'm like this.
Molly Moe says:
I'll come back after I'm un-pissy.

I'm feeling oddly depressed tonight/this morning. My best friend had just told me that we had basically nothing in common anymore and she just didn't know how to talk to me, and it hurt. This is the girl who's practically my sister, who's saved me from killing myself and having thoughts of doing idiotic emo shit. And she can't talk to me anymore. It sucks. I don't know what I'd do without her; I wonder if she knows. She's one of the most important things in my life, besides my mother, and here she is unable to make comfortable conversation. I'm so scared. I don't want her to go; she said she wasn't but you never know. She's the only friend I have to talk to and she doesn't like doing it! I know I'm repeating myself, but it's just so unbelievable...I never thought it would happen.

I really need a hug. I wish I had someone here to hold me and tell me they need me, but only a select few of my family and one friend do.